13 2 / 2012
galentine’s day considerations
i watched ‘the vow’ with my mom and godmother today and it left me in a very strange place, emotionally. some women, like rachel mcadams or my mom, fall in mutual love again and again. and some just don’t.
the thing is, after a break-up, you lament about how no one has ever loved you and maybe that means you are unlovable. and your friends roll their eyes while they tell you, “no, no, you’re still so young. you’ll find love eventually.” and you believe them because the part of you that watched all those sex and the city episodes and all those goddamn disney movies wants to hear it. that part of you believes that romantic love is a key element on the quest for a full life. and you try to shut that part of yourself up, try to pad the noise with your big soft body folding in on itself, with your big sweaters and your long, billowy dresses, with your sheets and sheets of old writing. sometimes you can’t help but listen.
it is ok to hear someone tell you that you will find love. but what you need to tell yourself again and again is that it is entirely likely that you might not. and either way, you will have to find joy and pleasure in your life, on your own.
i asked my mom, “what if love just isn’t in the cards for me? like, ever for the rest of my life?” and she said, “then you’ll have to play anyway.” and i thought, yes, i just have to go all in, or whatever. i don’t really know anything about gambling.
but i can always learn.
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